Memories

Hellu, 

Scrolling through my ig archive stories, this god damn memories hit me hard. I saw those happiness moment I had before and I wondered why good things always end so quickly?

Well, like the previous relationship that I had, I have always always thought that it will be my last and this boy will be the last that I can cling on but it wasn't. Like everything was so perfect so well and we knew each other in and out. With only just one eye signal we will know and get it. 3 years of memories, it Is really really alot. And all this feelings that I had, can't be found in any other guys like I swear it is never the same from what he had given me. 

Although sometimes this current boyfriend will say my temper Is bad, and he wondered if I ever did this to my ex and I would always stay quiet and it says in my heart "if I were to treat my ex bf the way I treat this current, he wouldn't have leave me". I realise my tolerance level is higher and I legit see things openly now. When I m in anger, I m still able to talk nicely which I know I didn't in the past. 

Hm, breakup really change me pretty much? Still kind of thinking back those time whereby we can laugh and joke about everything and including our parents name. Oh, I miss xxy cooking & lxy de 岂有此理. HAHAHA. 

sometimes I walked past, 9 fresh, and I will still smile because I remember I always pester him that I want to eat and he will always pull me away and said '不要一直讲要买买买啦，等下卖了放在冰橱then 忘记吃, then 丢掉，很浪费的叻" that's him, the guy that know me too too well. 

And don't know why, I sense that he ain't that happy now too, I don't know if he have really 100% put down on me or he Is just covering it. But I would say, I still think of him at times. :-)

Huhu, that's all for today! Goodbye x. 

What's is it this time round?

Hellu!!

It is me again! Feihua if not me then who? HAHAHA. 

Okay first of all, time passing damn fast. 一转眼 alr past few months since I wrote the previous post yea. So how's life everybody? 

Basically for me, it is still the same old me but with a stronger ❤️ I would say. (-:

I knew things won't always go our way and we need to strive our way through. Guess what? I quitted my full time job and I m enjoying my carefree life now. Not because I m earned enough but I guess I need a break and start on something new and keep those unhappiness behind and to the past. If you ask me if I m happy right now, I would say pretty much! Everything in my life seems pretty ok and smooth & I m glad I made the right moved. (-:

Recently just went to jb for a 4 days 3 night staycation and I would say I really enjoy traveling even though it is just a bridge over Singapore. But still consider as overseas la ok, need to chop passport one ok. HAHA. I then realized actually it is important to stay happy and just live the life you wants it to be. Don't take every single thing too seriously and eventually it won't hurt you that much. From my past relationships, I learned alot from different kind of people and I would say I m pretty glad that I knew them and once had them as the most important person in my life. I had never regret knowing anyone of them or regret being together with anyone because that is my choice at that point. The only thing that I regretted was being too serious in every single thing and being too nice to people that is around me. Like I m always in between someone and someone. So this new start, I told myself to focus more on myself and just myself. Not gonna put anyone before me. 

Well, I guess I grew in a sense that I learned to let go I learned to be more open and focus on what is more important for me. And I can't wait for more things to happen in my life just so I can learn from it again and be a better me. Hehe.

Ok la, it is getting late alr. Freaking 5.21am!!! 

Goodnight lovelies xoxo! 

Hey, how are you? (-: I see that you're doing good too in your work and I m so happy for you! Keep it up and do us proud! Remember to prove to those that looked down on you that you're able to strive! Don't give up until the last point okay? As usual, I believe that you can do it. Last but not least, last long and I m pretty happy to see that you r happy too! Goodnight asshole. (-:

Stay strong boy

Hi! 

I hope you're still reading my blog up till now. And I know now I'm nobody to say anything to you but hope you can still listen to what I want to say. Sooner or later I won't be blogging this much because I know I have to move on and let go of everything about us. 

Well, things may seem very dark very blurry to you but I still believe in you that you will succeed one day. Don't let me down and don't let those people who really care and love you down too  Please dont become a fuck boy that hurt girls and don't always bring different girls home. It is not nice and it won't be good too. I know you're under alot of stress and you don't know what else to do. Just take things easy , step by step ok. Everything happened for a reason this is what we all know how to say. 

If you really love this girl, I hope you can talk things out w mama and papa nicely. Yknow mama sayang you a lot right? Don't break her heart because of a girl that you knew not long ago. And honestly if a girl really love you she will not put you in difficult position. Ok rls aside, I know waking up is not easy for you, I know the struggle is real. Actually recently i don't know why I also can't wake up in the morning. Like I can't even hear my own alarm ringing and y'know I set alot of alarm too. HAHA. and then when I overslept I felt angry and pekcek at myself too and well I understand how you feel la. but that's not an excuse for you to not going to work oh. I'm glad that you're somehow doing well at this interior design company and I hope you will do something proud from there even though the one that will be accompanying you to celebrate this joyous moment is no longer me but I will still feel really really happy of you. I remembered when you passed your driving licence, I was really really proud and happy for you, the happiness is not something I can describe but it just seems like it is me who passed that kind of feelings. well, whatever things about you affects me la. 

Ok, and then the most irritating part that you don't want to listen and read but just hang on with me la, long long one time only, I won't always everyday niam u alr. Your car! Hmmm... I know it is not gonna be easy for you to stay apart from your darling xiao mad and in fact it makes me sad too to know that xiaomad gna be gone soon. I see xiaomad ever since it was bought. From tall to short from plain to some decoration and from nth to something hehe. I invest quite alot in this naughty girl too and I do have feelings too. I rem there is one time I accp u to go do tires and I got so curious about changing tire etc and both of us just stood there and see the uncle take out pump air n put back. HAHAHA. Think back abit funny! Ok back to topic, yea so xiaomad sooner or later will be letting go, I hope you will be prepared and you will really just give in to wtv happened. I know it is not gonna be easy for you, I know you love cars alot but sometimes we have to let go of something, to received another big thing. Like what i told you before we broke up, sell away first wait till we save enough money we will go buy a car ourselves. Now what you really need to focus is on your work first before anything. You this silly boy, one things haven't settle u invite another problem for yourself.

Trust me when I said alot of people care and love you. Is just that right now at this moment you just lost in your own world and you reject to see and feel the love from others and one of them is me, this controlling and paranoid ex girlf of yours. It warms my heart when I knew you said you misses me, me too. But memories will always stay as memories and it will never be the same again after all the things we had said and done. (:

没有车并不代表什么，可是你失去了太多太多东西应为车就真的是错了。 不要为了一时的喜欢而放弃身边真心爱你的人。Car don't have you can buy it again, Madeline don't have you can find another one BUT family don't have you won't have another mrs xian xiuyu, mr lim xin ya n lim peiling. 不要等到有一天你真的清醒了之后，你的家人离开了，你才后悔 okay? Silly boy, jiayou and I hope to see you succeed and trust me I will be behind you, and jumping and cheering for you like how I always did. I hope you won't hate me for saying all this..... Because I really don't want to see you like this 知道吗？

Actually seeing video and photos of both of you, no longer hurts me, in fact I'm glad that you can let go of me so soon, which makes me realise I'm not that good afterall and that I can be replaced so easily. At first my heart ache badly when I knew about you and those girls but after that, I got used to it and it is also this kind of things that will makes me forget you faster. As I said on top, I will not write much over here and about you already because I really have to let go of you and the feelings just so to be fair for him.

And ohyea... Guess what's the date today? HAHAHA. 3 years 4 months lo!!! but sadly, it is no longer me oh. hehe. 

Okay la, hope whatever I said earlier on you can absorb in and then yea. Stay happy and let's find our own happiness. (: 

The worst part of break up

The worst part of break up was when you still love and miss this person yet you can't have him / her. The worst part of break up was picturing him / her together with another one.  The worst part of break up was thinking that the things we did together will be just us, but nah, it will be replaced by another person. The worst part of break up was wanting to share all the little things happened in our daily lives but you hold back on whatever you wanna say and tell it to another person . And the very worst part of breaking up is knowing that, we will never be back anymore.......

我真的真的好想念你。 你到底在哪里？太多的东西太多的话都很想告诉你，也只是你。你是不是像我一样，那么想我呢？Super miss those days whereby we are still we and it is still mad and yang. I today saw you deleted our photos from your Twitter and it hurts me so freaking much that a tears just rolled down my eyes. 

你曾经说过你不会在弄我哭了，你说过我哭了，你会用你的手来为我檫眼泪，你说过我可以告诉你全部的东西，那你现在，在哪里了？ 为什么过了那么久，我还是会为了你而哭，而觉得心痛呢？或许在我的眼里，你就像一个大 baby，我还没有把我全部的爱给你，你就转身走了。

分手最痛的就是，明明还很爱，可是要假装一点都不管，一点都不爱。 明明很想要可是什么也做不了。明明很想挽回，可是不敢。如果，我们可以把事情全部放下，重新开始，那该有多好啊。真的很怀念当初的我们。我想你应该是把我们的照片也删掉了吧。。。。而我没有。。

还记得我不能吃什么吗？请你不要忘记啊。。。我会很伤心的哦。。我好讨厌自己。说好了不会再哭了。不会再为你而掉眼泪，我现在又哭了。我是怎么了啊？你也是的，为什么要弄我那么的爱你。为什么要我那么的辛苦。为什么要跟我 3 年过后又要和我分手？我现在多希望你会跑来找我给我一个拥抱，一个非常非常久的拥抱就好了。。

哦。。你这个坏蛋，明明知道这个女的不适合你，你就不要拖人家的时间。明明知道妈妈是不喜欢的，你就不要每次带她回家。很多事，我都是知道的，只是我不说而已。心痛也是自己来承受。哭也是自己插眼泪。没想到，你所说的很爱我，第一个也是最后一个，都不是真的哦。现在有别人取代我了哦。

可是我还是我, 我想有些事你和我都也应该是习惯而她不习惯的事，有时做的东西有可能你以为很普通可是对于她来说是“什么来的“ “为什么” 。 我们的云吞面，我们的 lotus soup w和我最想要吃的豆芽，和两包饭。我的三口白饭的习惯。我们吃饱后，你洗肥皂我冲水要不然就是，最后一个吃完的洗碗。每次，一个眼神就知道， “哦，我们去丢垃圾” ，你就会去拿垃圾，我就会去房间拿烟， 结果是去抽烟啦。

有想念我家这边的咸蛋四季豆吗？那边做工的人都知道我们了，🉑是现在你也不在了。。还有我妈妈的凉茶。还有很多的还有。。。我哭到累了啦。。

多希望现在的你在驾车的时候还会想到我和我们，可是我知道不是我浮现在你的脑海里了。如果时间能够倒流，我对天发誓我还会选择你，我会改变我自己，我会好好的爱你。我真的好想你啊。。

现在我只能说，祝你幸福而不是 goodnight bb I love you n I miss you idiot. Jubjub. 

就希望你会过得开心点。希望你会幸福。比以前还要开心快乐。(-:

Rainy day

Hi hi, 

It is raining heavily now and suddenly alot of things hit me hard. Well, knew quite alot of things that I shouldn't have know from my past but rls but I guess life goes on with or without him. 

I knew that I put in my best in my prev rls, I did what I can but somwtimes things just don't go our way. When I re read our convo , the last  message we sent to each other, I wonder what he said is it real. Didn't believe that so fast I can be replaced too when he said he loved me so much. HAHA. 

Well, life goes on ya. (:

So much memories for both of us and it is not easy to say forget then forget. I tried my very best to not think of him when I'm free but at times I really really do miss him but after last night where I knew alot alot of things, I asked myself if this is the guy that I once knew and once loved before... 

Last time, no matter what happened no matter how hard we quarrelled, I had never get tired of him and not even have the mindset of giving up on this rls despite always telling him I'm tired because I wants him to change for the better. At times I asked myself if it is wrong to stress him but if I don't tell him the right things, who will? Ultimately , I lose this rls. Hahahaha. 

Sometimes when I pass by certain places, I picture of us being together, I picture the secne we did and us. 18 chef, sazairiya, jcube, jurong point, bus 241, bus 99 and alot alot. 

I rem when we first started out, he will come over to my place to surprise me and send me to work despite long bus ride and I rem him telling me " I want to pei you so you won't b so boring and lonely in the bus " awwww. 

Everything pass so fast. I also remember when we first started off, he have nothing at all and me too but why we can be so sweet? What happened and what makes us change? 

I remember I cleared his room drawer for him, threw alot of rubbish for him and force him to pack his waredrobe. I rem asking him to help me with my schl assignment and he will always just sit there and watch me do. Awww so sweet. I remembered I cried so badly and told him " take this few days as never happened " because he said something that saddened me and we laughed about it at times. HAHAHA. FUCKUP. 

I remembered him teaching me how to ride a bicycle and he got so dulan with me and we somehow argue. HAHAH I said " 你要教人也要有patience 的吗 " I remembered when I go to his place to find him, he will come out and drag me to his house stairs there to smoke and we will always sit there secretly to smoke HAHA. Sometimes after dinner we will like tell his mom " er.. we go down find friend " but actually fact we went down to smoke and come up. Keke. 

I remembered how he will reject his mom when his mom cooked my fav crabby. Aiyooooo miss mama home cooked food. Hehe. I remembered he will always rush me to go wash my leg when I enter his house but I always refused. And there is this time, I got playful and when we washing our leg, I wanted to lock him out from his room and I ran out from the toilet and I FELL ONTO THE GROUND!!! And this idiot didn't help me up first, he laughed so loudly at me first then help me up and make fun of me. Idiot !!!!

I remembered he went to buy the lights for his room wall and we on it, with aircon and we blast music and both of us were lying on the bed singing. I remembered we went to jcube for lunch, and we came.across this sell karaoke stall and he stopped by and see. I can see from his eyes that he really wants it and thus he pulled my hand and we went into the shop. At first I object that he buy that and we left the shop to have our lunch. After lunch, he looked again and then my heart went soft like.... WHO DW TO SAYANG THIS CUTE LITTLE BOY? so I told him " ok we half half " HAHAHA and we got it. 

I remembered he will always get so pissed off with me when I don't wait for him after we left his place and he need to lock the door. HAHAHA. I remembered that we got lock out from the house a few times because he have no keys to enter. and he will always like " walan eh, 真的叻他们。每次这样的 " And there is time we went down to his blk to sit and smoke and chat. Hais, miss that shit. 

I remembered he will always wait for me at the subway there and I will get angry because he said he will fetch me from MRT and then he will tell me " ya what this is mrt what " /." I'm smoking leh bb " HAHAHAHA. Last time will get pissed off w him but now think back it is kinda cute of us. RIGHT?? I rem he will bite my cheek as and when out of sudden and I got shocked and I will get pissed off w him too. hahaha. Eh pain sia. 

I rem he will asked me why I don't always post pictures on social media and my reply will always upset him. HAHAH silly boy. Sometimes I rly forget la, sometimes never think dao. Ok la sorry ...  I love how he will say something funny that will make my mom laugh, and i love how he will like " MADAM " when he saw my mom with his fake phliphines accent. And I love how mama will sayang him and will always ask me to bring one btl of herbal drink after she brewed and this boy will finished it. so guai. (: 

Oh boy, he still owe mama one meal oh. HAHAHA. Actually all this memories is really really good. Like I hope I can recollect all this memories from the beginning till now and keep it in my mind till I'm old. But I know as time passes , all thses memories will slowly fade away.... (': 

We will start with someone new we will forget about the things we did prev, we will forget the happiest moment we had, we will forget the feeling we had for each other and till this point, I admit I still care and love for you alot. But I know things changed, you no longer think about me you no longer have feelings for me and other girl is taking over my job. Can't believe the one that is sleeping next to you is not me anymore but another girl. Can't believe the girl that youre hugging to sleep is no longer me, can't believe it is no longer you that is smelling my hair and tell me it is " bb girl girl 的味道 " Can't believe the one that is sharing your towel is not me but another girl. And soon alot of things she will take over and it will no longer be me. This is the worst part of break up because 曾经我为你做过的，现在其他的人要做了 and likewise too... 

Misterjy, I miss you and I wish you all the best in everything. 就让这些美丽的回忆放在我的心里，有空我会去想和记得我们在一起的日子。希望你会过得好。希望你会好好照顾你的爸爸和妈妈和妹妹和你自己没。

宝贝傻的比真的是要放手了。

Goodbye my love. 

03112015 xoxo. 

I deleted all this pic from Twitter because it hurts me so much but on the other hand , 我舍不得。。。 How silly me. 

idiot!!!! so cute

I swear I was v proud of you but think back this was where things was going to change..... (':

you fuckup.... but I know you really is buxiaoxin one hehe

虽然我们在一起3 年，是真的不是很长，可是我还是很珍惜每一天和你在一起的时间and that explains why I will always want to meet you ...

是啊，有你的感觉真好。。

sunshine to bread man. HAHAHA. BOTAK BOY.

thank you for staying awake to wake this little piggy up. actually I was smiling when I sent all that text to you. like legit I felt so happy and blessed. (:

awwww..look who is that!? SO SWEET HOR.

awww... the anniversary present. Sad to say I stopped wearing it already.

the first time we went to this cck place to have dinner and you so sweet, you asked mama they all to order something I got eat one. hehe

Okay na, bye bye le oh. Hehe x

Happy new year

Hello I'm back keke.

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!!!
Yea I know it is kind of late to wish but whatever la, now still cny period la hor. (:

Wa my cny is rly boring sia. Like I used to go bainian for continuously like 3 days. But this year just 2 days and then I'm done.
Like sb fast please!?! But also ok la cos the angbao still not very little la. HAHAHA.

And guess whut, yesterday one of my relative passed away... heart is heavy!

okay and next, IM LIKE FALLING SICK SOON AGAIN I THINK!?!?
Wa damn sian man. Like I swear... I vomited whatever I ate including my medicine for my skin and then I got so restless and tired. Last night can't even sleep well flip here and there until 5 in da morning. Life sucks hor.
And then today start work lo...!!
Damn shag la, fucking cranky and grumpy. Omy. Ok, very pekcek with everything now. Goooodiesssss bye xoxo.

你好，最近还好吗？I saw your tweets recently is very very emo. I hope everything is going well for you la. I don't know what happened but then I guess there is other girl that making you headache. HAHA. just let natural takes it course ok.
Anyway, that time I saw Eunice n Jovan on bus and then I was so excited and I unlock my phone wanted to snap a pic but I realise WHO CAN I SHARE IT WITH?? HAHAHAHAA. Then I act blur like never see her . Anyway how is your cny?? Boring righttttttt. HAHAHA. I SAW YOUR STORY. Rem 1 year ago I got angry at you for not joining me to my relatives house to bainian? HAHA, so fast 1 year had past.
So you only seen my mum's side relatives like once, which is last 2 years ya?
wow 3 years of rls really is very long that we can did so many things together. DID U MISS MY NAGGINGS AND MY IRRITATING VOICE?
do you miss having me to always pester you to yangyang me?? HAHA.
Omg memories will always remains as memories la. (:
okay man, am going to shower and head out already. See ya soon and take care of yourself. 😁

😬

Anneyong Haseyo!!

Glad to talk to him for that few mins!! It feels like we are back to those time where we first know each other, but the only things that was different was that we actually know each other more than anyone do. 

Those fast replies and those stay on each other chat to reply. Do you miss that shit? Cos i do!! 

At times i still wondering how he is doing and how is things going on for him. I wish we were still together to get through everything together, but well, i know it is not possible anymore. (: 

I’m glad that he is doing fine anyway. And is doing extremely good without me nagging him. 

I almost teared when he said “NO NO AH” & “idiot”! This were the texts that we will always use on each other when we text. Hmm.... 

I controlled my tears from dropping out, and that’s when i realise i still haven’t fully let go of this rls & him despite telling everyone “i get over liao lo, i ok already, if he now walk beside another girl, i also won’t feel anything alr” HAHAHA, but i guess that’s only just words to cover up my real feelings? I’m just deceiving myself. And how is it a 3 years rls can say let go jiu let go leh? Maybe the feelings is not as strong as before? Maybe the feelings is fading away, maybe i won’t feel so much anymore but well, there is still some feelings laying somewhere in my heart. 

And i wonder..... he still love me? he get over me already? HAHAHA, but i doubt that’s important anymore? All i want was just him being happy, do what he really wants and just be the old junyang i once knew. 

Honestly, i slowly forget the scent of his shirt, the smell on his face n the touch of his hand.  i rem there is one time he randomly tells me “bb actually hor i like it when u will smell my hand when i hug you or bla bla” Keke. I miss that shit too. (‘: 

We are too comfortable in every single way. We can fart in front of each other and yet still loving each other. We can shit in front of each other and joke about it. We can embrace each other flaws like my body scars and his acne and still loving each other so deeply. omg, this is the best love i ever had i swear. Now think back, i also find myself the happiest girl on earth. But it is so sad to remember that, i won’t be the last girl that he will be holding hands with, to sleep with and wake up at. I won’t be the girl that will be there for him 24/7 and knowing every single shits he is going through. 

Despite always being angry at whatever shits he did, the love for him is always there....just there waiting for him to hold it. It is such a pity that we are over now but i’m also glad at the same time that he is doing good without me.

Things wouldn't be in this state too if I gave him more space and understand him more.(': 

It is a pleasure to know him and have him as my boyfriend for this 3 yesrs. It was never easy but it is all worth it. (: I'm glad that he entered my life and taught me such a wonderful lesson . I hope the next one will be better to him and treat him even better..

I guess I will write in again whenever I miss him. Keke. Till we see each other again my dear. 

No matter who I'm with, or where I will be, deep down i wish him all the best. Till then. (: