right from the start.

Have you ever love someone so hard so deep before
and
you thoughts he's the one who will really stayed by your side no matter what happened because of all his assurance and promises? 

Making you to forget all those unhappy things & telling you not to be afraid of falling because he won't be like those guys out there? 

yes , I met this person.

Knew him through my friend. & he was in love w my friend at first but things changed
&
I cheer him up & slowly, we develop feelings for each other.

Or maybe i shld say, I grew feelings towards him.

We chatted everyday & Im cheering him up because it's really painful to see someone you know to feel so upset. (At that point we are still normal friends with no feelings involved)

And as time goes by, we realize we shared a lot of common likes & dislikes. 

& we had common past relationship. 

How nice huh? 

we both don't take spicy foods & we dont really love sour things. 

we super in love w sweet stuffs & is not those normal sweet, but is those super sweet sweet! 

we got hurt more than we could ever think but we always kept it inside our heart,
not wanting others to know & we hardly show it out.

unexpectedly, 

we fall in love w each other just like this. 

Well, I let go of my past & he gave up on my friend too. 

& 

yes, I decided to go down to the place they usually hang out with my friend. 

&I will nv forget the first time he looked at me & smiled at me & tell me he's okay, he's alright he's smiling when he saw the girl he once loved was tgt w his friend. 

I knew he wasn't okay, I knew he wasn't feeling good. 

but there's nth I could do tho, and I felt damn suckish at that point of time.

one time 

two times 

third times 

so on and so forth, 

I went down just to see him & I swear the times spent with him was really enjoyable and I laughed a lot. 

He was super caring & loving towardd me. 

those smiles and face expression he would gave me when I looked into his eyes. 

it's priceless. (:

Hoping the time would just stopped there. 

&&

I won't forget the day when he surprised me with a small gift when I least expected when he know I love surprises a lot a lot a lot.
and there's one time shopping w him and his friends at townv & out of sudden, he turn to me and tell me "be proud because you're the first girl that I came shopping with"
Tho I didn't have much reaction but I swear I was fking happy & I'm my mind I was like
" DAMN IT, I MAKE IT"

not to forget 

those jealous face he would gave me when im seating w other guy at the other side that I knew long ago. 

those feelings when i first hug him from the back when he's riding ebike & sending me to LRT.

those feelings was really really really priceless.

I remembered after that day, he sent me to lrt with ebike, he told me he was super happy & would want me to sent me to LRT again with ebike if there's still a chance because he love the way i hugged him from behind. 

I smiled when I heard that, I swear I was jumping in joy when he said that but I act like it's nothing at all. and acting blur when he said that. 

as time passed, my love for him grew deeper and deeper & Im super afraid that he would leave me like how others did.
telling him everything about my past & hoping that he won't be the one who broke my heart.

But I guess because of my crazy, paranoid and insecurities thinking,
I make him super stressed out.
He didn't know how to make me feel secure and trust him, don't know how to make me not to feels upset all the times .
despite always assure me that he won't leave me, assure me that he won't be like other guys out there, that will ditched me aft awhile,
& there's one time, where I was feeling super down & I was being too emotional and here comes my fkup thinking, I sent him a long text saying that I know he was hinting me to leave him just because of the little changed he had make...
and finally .....

he left silently....

I swear I regretted sending that text t him & I apologize aft that.
I cried so hard, wanting him to tell me again
"I won't leave you"
but.........
I didnt manage to heard it anymore after that.

was numbing myself with lies for few days & work to keep myself busy.
But no matter how busy how tired how many lies i lies to myself, I would still think of him everytime.

I seriously have no idea he would mean so much so much to me & I didn't expect myself to fall so
deep for him.

like what those quotes always said
"you will nv know how much you love that someone until they left"

yes, I love him a lot a lot!
crying myself to bed each and everytime.
waking up in the middle of the night out of nowhere with tears all arnd my eyes, knowing that he won't be mine anymore....

& the only things I would do bfr & aft bed was to check his tweets & whstsapp

and asking arnd his friend if he smiled, if he laughed, is he happy.
& he indeed smile. (:

Well, I shld be happy that he's happy but at the same time I was upset because he's down there smiling away & I'm down here crying away.

always hoping that there's replies from him no matter how many times I apps him.
but ..... it will never happened.

and till now......
there's still no replies from him.

Until today, went down to the place they usually hang out with my friend.
&
I was seating opposite him, and I can see he's staring at me. & I turned arnd to look at him. I've mo idea why i turned away aft a few sec. But I will nv forget thkse
 unexpectedly, he talked to me.
The first qns he asked was "why blahblah went home"
and then accp them to have dinner.
he asked me
"want eat ? want drink?"
and I just shake my head.

at that point of time, I can feel that I'm melting in my heart but at the same time , feeling confused.

left after awhile & i cabbed home.
Literally broke down in the cab.
Yesssss, I'm fking upset & heartbroken but no, I did not regret going there because at least I get to see him the last time with those smile and laughter.
 

he had no idea small little things would make me think a lot & make me feel insecure but it's also the small little  things he make that make me feels so happy & loved.




*if you're reading this, please know I truly love you & I had never wanted to lose you. but I know whatever I said now is no use, so I hope you would be happy as always! stop being sad & always letting your happiness to others.
I believe you can do it because I've faith in you.
you're awesome & Im sorry that I make you this way, make you so strees out because of me.
I really didn't know it would turn out this way. actually I always lies to myself, that this is just a surprises you giving me.
but I know it's not. (:
sorry for being so lame. and thanks for making me dream come true for talking to me the last time.

sleep early & be careful while you play bball and chushi . I know cny you gna be so busy but don't forget to have your meal on times
& I'm still waiting for the day when you tell me what had gone wrong and why you suddenly being this way to me no matter how many apps I sent you.

I miss you a lot darling.
muah xx *