Feel it

It is both a blessing and a curse. To feel everything, so deeply. 

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"Life went on but it was NEVER the same again."

The memories, the sense of touch & smell. 

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"You have a place in my heart no one else ever could have"

No matter where, who or what. 

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"I can’t exactly describe how I feel but it’s not quite right & it leaves me cold"

Is it just me or because it is you? 

Till here xo 

Tired.

Hi it is me again! 

I am so exhausted from every single thing.

Very exhausted, very tired and very drained. I doesn't know what else to do anymore.  

Sinking

So out of sudden, this weird feelings hit me up. I see how much I have drifted from my secondary school mates. We were so close that we used to share the same toothbrush together; we used to shower together during our CCA camp, we used to hang out every single day aft school for lunch, but after I left secondary school, they continued their secondary 5, and that’s when I realise I have drifted so much from them. 

I was quite ashamed that I couldn’t make it for their 21st birthday party as I have to work and I couldn’t take off on that day as my job is lacking of manpower, next is because I doubt I will have the ability to treat them to good food at that point of time. The feeling to get back in contact with them is so strong yet at the same time, I doesn’t know where do I start. 

It wasn’t really easy to maintain a good friendship neither was it easy to find a good and understanding friend. 

Sometimes I wonder why can’t I just be clever a little, why can’t I study harder a little? Why why why? I just miss having them in my life, talking and contacting each other as and when we need. 

I came across a post saying that we do not need to have any close friend to feel happy and having close friend doesn’t define happiness, for this half of it was quite true but on the other hand it wasn’t. 

I don’t even know how shld I put it in words. Dislike having this kind of late night thoughts. 

If time can rewind back, I would make things be different from now, but that’s just IF. 

Honestly, at times I do wonder if I ever crossed their mind. 

Ahhh, I am drained! It is time to rest. Goodnight x (': 

后来遇见他。

Hey 你是否还会想到我
就像我 偶尔夜晚还是会哭的
那时 满心欢喜 以为你就是结局
才把所有都给你
时间总是不听话 思念也开始装傻
反反复复
你说那就算了吧 我们就别再挣扎
于事无补
从此我不能听见你的消息
我怕我控制不住自己 想你
后来遇见他 陪我春秋冬夏
愈合我的伤疤 大概我会一直幸福吧
你身边的她 是否像我一样
能让你快乐吗 有太多想对你说的话

也许是不甘心 也许是可惜
也许无法相信 突然身边再也不是你
能给的都已经给你 能做的都用尽全力
也许遇见你是种幸运 分开却是天意

不是不能面对 又不是十八岁
爱过你的年岁 心里至少真的不后悔
也许会不舍会落泪 但得不到也许才珍贵

🙃

Looking back to my very first blog post and it brings back alot of memories. Even though those times wasnt financially stable like now, but I can say I was very happy as compared to now. I saw the smile and laughter I used to have. It was priceless, I used to be so cheerful and bubbly and what's happening to me now? Why am I always so upset over small thing and over certain people. 
Nah, Madeline you need to head up and find back yourself again. You ain't this weak and you can't lose the smile you have, NEVER.  
It is okay to fall 7 times and get up 8th, no matter how many times you fell, just stand up and try again. 🙂

Thankful

Hellu !!!

wassup heheh, it had been long since i blog with a different kind of feelings. 

I dont know how to explain or put it in words but i just feels that it is different from the usual day that i blog. 

usually i will blog with a heavy heart and each and every time it will just put me to bed crying. but this time round i guess i i’ll just smile to bed or probably just toh cos i am freaking sleepy alr. but well, i sleepy until 很舍得. 

that is something that i would do for someone that mean something to me. I mean those that know me know that i am a very sleepy person i get tired and sleepy very easily. you know who you are oh! don’t am chio. 

i will never forget those letters that i had wrote for you; i felt touched when i open the drawer and i saw those hand written letters like i don’t even remember i wrote all this to you but you still keep it properly together with the poloriod. I really didn’t expect it at all and thank you for not making me feel that i have been replaced. 

when we was talking that night with you right beside me and we talked about the reasons on why we landed up where we are today, it feels so weird but i felt relieved. 

relieve that i m still right there in your heart probably not as deep already but i am more than happy. thank you for not making me feel a lil unhappiness when i ask you so many qns on ‘who got this and that’ etc. actually when i am asking, my heart was like ‘Pls pls just say it is just yours and yours even a simple lie i also will accept just don’t say is from others will do’ PHEW thanks god. 

hehehe! 

i cont tomorrow my eyes shutting down alr. goodnight 

What do you think?

   Hello people x 

       CB DAY .......I lost count of which day it was alr. 

   But um, so far everything was good. Quite productive recently, got my room repaint and packed the whole room and rearrange those furniture in da room. 

Put up all the fairy lights and it makes me have a better sleep. Heh. Oh n not to forget, cooked dinner for the fam. My specialty fried rice. (':

I am just gna share some meaningful quotes to myself. 

Also a gentle reminder to myself. 

* "We were meant to be together but we did it wrong" *

deep down I wish that it had never be wrong. Even if it was really wrong I would want to make it right if time could rewind. But nope. So the only option is to continue walking forward and flip this chapter.  

*What comes easy won't last, what last won't come easy*

 Yasss, nothing is easy. (':

If it was easy, it ain't anything either. Humans are contradicting so am I. 

*"When someone is willing to struggle with you, just so that they can build with you, that's love*

Love don't comes easy and when it comes, it is also not easy to hold it despite how much you tried holding on. 

But I also believe if someone were to leave you to become a better person, that's also a love. A love that is beneath it and it is even more beautiful than any other thing. 

*"I changed my thinking. It changed my life"*

Alot of times, I have been a follower, and it is time to change and have my own thinking, and I realise it changed my life too. Be it good or bad, at least I know that was what I wanted at that point of time. 

*"In the blink of an eye it could all be taken away"*

Nothing is irreplaceable, even love. 

Have you ever thought that, you were the one for someone else and out of sudden, it just wasn't you anymore and it will not be anymore. And as years passes, you are still living well and slowly forgetting about the unhappiness and move on. But of course, the starting point of the changes, everybody will tends to be uncomfortable about it and somehow you just kept telling yourself no I can't forget about it, this is my love, this is what I wanted, I had done so much and I can't just lose this, but when you're really left with no other choice, and you have to leave, you will learn that, no one is ever irreplaceable, including you yourself. That's sad but that's true. So I am grateful for everything that have happened be it good or bad because I learned, I growed and I get used to it. 

*"He put me through hell and I called it love."*

Such a meaningful sentence. You will still love this person till the extend whatever wrong he had done or whatever hurt and demaged had been brought to you, it was nothing and you can still forgive him again and again hoping for the best to happen. 

It was because love makes you do everything that is insane and do anything that you didn't expect. That's how powerful love is and I am amazed by it too. Never thought that I would love someone this much till the extend, I don't wish for anything anymore but just him, being happy like before and finally to do something which he had always wanted to. It just wasnt his fault for this ending but it was me who wasn't good enough for him because I did not make a good girlfriend back then. 

*" You never realized how wrong you are until bring strong Is the only choice you have "* 

Yas, no girls like to be strong because it is really tiring but at some time of point you have no choice but to be strong no matter what crashes right in front of you. At some point of time you knew that you can't just breakdown and you can't just show a face so you just have to act like it doesn't bother you and you're not even affected at all. That's how strong you are until you are alone on the bed switching off all lights, and everybody is asleep, the true self will reveal and you just gotta cry every sadness and broken pieces out of your heart and when you're done, you just fall asleep and the next morning, you have to be strong again. (':

I strongly believe true love true friends true people don't fade away easily but when it do, it ain't real anymore. Time will prove everything and I believe time will bring me to where I really belong. Nobody to force it nobody to say it but time will bring us to where we belong , just one fine day. I am waiting for this to happen and when it happened, I believed I will be the most happiest lady on Earth. ❤️ Thankful for everything. 

Hmmm.....

yea, I will never going to forget you, with those annoying laughter and the way you will annoyed me and still able to laugh at me. I will never going to forget how you will always make me feel so paiseh when I m buying cigg by telling the cashier "check IC" when I already told you alot of times DONT SAY VERY PAISEH!!!! And the same old lines you will use on me "今天看到的人不代表明天看得到“

Hm, and is true, 以前可以看到你，现在想看也看不到了吗。

Ohyas, something inside. (: I remembered most of my last text was "if it is meant to be it will be" (':

Sorry for all the never ending attention that I want from you, sorry for all the annoying texts message asking you to meet me when we are together, it was just me myself who wanting to pull us closer but didn't expect it will back fire you and push you even further. 

Remember the bbgirlgirl 味道, remember how you will pinch my cheek, remember how you will bring me to have my satay. Remember how I will kpkb at you when you didn't hold my hand while crossing road, and how you will piggy back me out of your room just to make me wash my leg all the time! 

And remember there is one time, we went to jcube for lunch and you saw this karaoke system and you kept standing still over there looking. I knew you wanted it badly and so after our lunch, we went to bought it and you were hella happy. At that point of time, I saw the kid in you, and I know it is all worth it. 

Last night, crazily me scroll all the tweets you had tweeted from 2019 to up to date and I realise 曾经说过还爱着我的人已经没有了. 

Whatever it is, all this doesn't matter anymore. If I can let go of jiajun, I believe I can get over you too. It probably will takes another 1 year 2 year? I don't know, but I will try my very best to put this past down just so to be happy again. Till we meet again yangie. All the best to you. ❤️

好想讨厌你

Hello!!

On 3 November 2015, we got together and 

On the 3rd of January 2020 , it was our 4 years and 2 months... 

On August 8 2018 , I lost you. Or in fact, June 2018 I had already lost you just that I didn't realize. 

And now here on 5th January 2020, I am still thinking about you thinking about us. 

I am thinking how come things will ended up to where we are now. Where are all the promises that we both make before? Where is the "you will be my first n last?" "I will bring you out to see more next time" "I will marry you and have our own baby?"

It had already past 1 year and it feels like it is just few months since you left. 

Why issit that you can act like nothing happened and continue with your daily life but why am I still stuck in this nightmare and past?

How long more do I have to wait to fully get over you?

Last night I was scrolling through our chats and photos, I didn't shed a tears instead, I smile. When I look through the photos we took, I can imagine those feelings those mood those happiness at that point of time we took it. 3 years with you and it is never easy but I know it is worth it. (:

ITE life, was carefree and worry free, after your school we will meet, and I rem the very first time you brought me home was a secret mission and your mom was at china that time. You will helped me with my school course that time, helping me to type and save in your comp and to thumb drive, we would take nap and eat at home or yewtee point and even take lots lots lots of selfies together with the rinakuma. You will take pic of me sleeping beside you and will always stare at me when I am sleeping. You will brush my hair and sayang me with a kiss. 

You will send me to swt to work, you will wait for me to end work and you will send me home. We will always have alot to talk from the long ride bus home. I rem there is one time I was very drunk at work and I called you, and you rushed over to fetch me home and we went to your house, you didn't scold me but I know you wasn't happy. You stay beside me while I was happily drunkly sleeping. And when I am awake you will still care about me and sayang me. Heheh.

After that, proceed to you entering NS. 

that day, both of us cried so badly or even the night before your enlistment. We cried and we took selfies, and things was still going fine until shits happened and I did you wrong. But thanks god that I choose you at the end and you did not give up on me. And from then, I told myself to treasure you and cherish you, everything was fine then. And let's move on to your ORD and you found a car repair job, your hands was all black and finger nails was so dirty, you asked me if I mind and sometimes I will jokingly said I mind make fun of it but ya, actually I really don't and I admire you working hard for yourself and I know partly for me. Then you got your driving license.

I am happy for you at that time of point and I rly hope you will pass it. I rem accompanimg you to test drive arnd your blk with your daddy and I kept on making fun of you. I remember how you will keep chiong your lesson one after another and I know that's is your passion. 

And soon after, you got your license!!! Huhuhu, I was too happy and I remember I posted every where to congrats u!! 

And then you start to rent cars and that's when our problems start to pour in. If only that time both of us know what is good for us, things won't end up this way. But all this aside, you will bring me out for my fav satay you will fetch me from yunnam you will send me home and there will alw be a small date with you and those rented cars. 

And then you finally got your own car (小 mad) because you said car house needed one, and that's when our rls got from bad to worst. 

We meet lesser and lesser our convo is always quarrellings and arguing about cars and time and effort. 

And yea...... Shits happened after that.

It was such a long journey but it felt that it was just yesterday. When I am typing all this I did not have to stop and think back, it just flashes in my mind. I afraid as years passes , all this memories of you and us will fade....I am afraid one day you will forget about me... I am afraid that other people will replace me in your heart. 

As much as I want to tell you again, I love you bb, I know it doesn't matter anymore. 

Please don't forget me, my name, my laughter my cute baby face and the cheek that you love to pinch and bite.

Till here! (':

Add on some vid of us. Those happy days. (':
Glad that I make vid to keep it as a memories. I just hope my iPhone won't spoil... Too much memories in there, from the old phone number that you used till this current number. And each WhatsApp's record had over 1k+ of videos and images.