Hi Boy!
I totally have no idea if you will read this but well, i’ll just write it here.
After this breakup, i heard a lot of things that i ain’t suppose to know & my heart hurts so freaking much that i don’t even have any feelings right now.
And i guess this is also the end result that you wants to hear from me. Yesterday night, which is the last message that i sent to you, i alrd halfway giving up.
Be proud of me that i stopped crying the whole of today! Hahaha.
& i smile n laughed a lot a lot today.
Obviously at some point of time, there’s still some weird feelings in me, but i manage to control it.
I survived the whole day at work today without having those hard feelings in my heart.
I guess it’s because i see how many people around me, is very worried and concern about me. And i know i shldnt continue like this to hurt them more.
Yes, maybe both of us are tired, or in fact you’re tired more than i do.
But it’s okay, i believe you r getting stronger and stronger as time passes.
As much as i hoping you will send me a text, asking me to return back to your side, n start afresh or pop out outside my outlet n hug me n ask me to be your girlf again, i guess that’s all in the dream only.
Yesterday i had a good talk with my parents!
My dad sayang me on my head and tells me “傻孩子，哭成这样” and it makes me cry even harder.
Why must i let a guy, hurt me this way n end up i hurt my parents?
Both of us tried our best in this rls, i assume.
And i also know this rls can’t continue because there’s too much of lies and secrets between us.
What hurt me most was, i thought the one that won’t be like the other guy, turns out to be the one.
Remember how we first started talking?
How we talk over the phone for long hours and you would wake me up for school / work.
Rem how u will fetch me from swtv even tho you’re so god damn tired?
Rem the first time you bought pad for me?
Rem the first time i went to your house when your mom is back to china? HAHAHAHAHA.
Rem how i get so triggered by the things u said n i asked you to take this 3 days as nth happen n both of us cried so badly & ended up we hug each other and we were fine!
Rem how u will walk me to MRT station after meeting you? & train down during my free time to have a simple wanton mee lunch & you will eat chicken rice without bone n sometimes we will dabao the soup with 2 rice and bean sprouts n go home eat together?
Rem how we will watch show until we tired n both of us hug each other n fell aslp?
Rem how you will always tell me that you love me n you doesn’t want to lose me cos u can’t afford to?
And rem how badly we cried or perhaps Me that cried so badly coz i definitely will miss you when you’re inside, the feelings is like i’m breaking it up with you. & the next day i send you to the camp, when you first enlisted! I saw the tears in your eyes & i can feels the ache in my heart.
Shits happened, i was too foolish and selfish to only think about myself. I mentally cheated on you & i struggled. i swear i struggled a lot a lot & i cried so so so badly.
And finally, i choose u over seiwei.
I choose you not because you keep on pestering me etc, i choose you because i believe and know that you’re the one for me and i alrd see the future of us being tgt. I doesn’t wanna let a guy that i knew for few weeks / months to destroy the original rls we alrd had. Despite knowing that u will definitely feel hurt n the feelings might fade away, but u tried your best to make me stay and i just can’t bare to let you go.
We patched back! & i know deep down in your heart, there’s still a pricks in it. Even tho i know u wanna check my phone badly, u wna ask me a lot of things but i know u don’t dare to ask cos u scared u dw to hear the things u doesn’t want to know. Right?
We pulled through those days & honestly, i actually told myself that, you’re the one, n you will be the one.
And so, i set my mind to treat you and only u my last one. All the way was fine, until like this finishing part of your army?
I legit dk what got into me, just very very strong headed about future and plans and savings etc.
I make the things i stress into your stress hoping that you understand money dont comes easy & spend it wisely, without thinking about your POV.
Probably it is the place that i’m working in, everyday, money sales money sales incentives and money.
And probably that’s why at that time, i feel that money is important. I stressed you out too much that you’re so tired of it.
Things got worst after you got your license...
I mean, i swear i was damn happy and proud of you. Like u legit took the shortest period to get one licence. and soon after, u rent a car. One after the other.
I was quite pissed of with you one la, and now i’m still pissed when i think of that. Not because i don’t understand but i just feels u too rush into it.
I like the way that you want this things, u will go for it no matter how tough it is. i know you love cars so freaking much that u dream to have a car of your own ASAP. 我还不了解你吗，傻瓜。
So again n again, i willing to lend u money to return the rental fees, n ofc, add on with some of my kpkb n naggings la. I mean i alrd take u as my future husband, and that’s why i’ll nag a lot. n i believe you somehow also regret on renting those cars ba?
Next, u entered VAG.
i know you’ve been very unhappy in this company, woke up late and go to work late etc.
Of course it is not you that’s at fault. But is me that keep thinking you doesn’t know how to think and don’t know how to work along with colleagues n always go out till late n next day can’t wake up.
My meaning is actually, wanting you to be more responsible in the job you choose which i know i didn’t care much about your own feelings.
Then u switch to CAR HOUSE.
Wooohoooo!!!
Stress hor? Hard to hit sales hor?
Rem i once told u, working adult life ain’t easy.
I work since i’m in secondary school, as a part time factory staff, stand 8 hours per days, kena torture to carry heavy big beer boxes, and those frozen food, stay in the factory for 8 hours under negative degree temp, wearing only tee shirt n a jeans. and during lunch break, leave this frozen place, hand numb, leg numb, phone got water vapour, whole body hot hot.
And i work for only 1 week, i fell sick.
Then i change, i work in a cake factory w huimin they all.
Stand for 8-9hrs each day, and then kena bully also. do things slow kena say, then always like a maid have to do this and that for them! & finally i’m nearing to grad from sec school! i came to know jiajun!
My life changed 360 degree. Don’t need to say u also know laa! i got controlled, i got tied up, i got beaten up, i got threatened, i got throw out of house by him, i got kena caught by police in public because of him, i got lock up bc of him, i got look down bc of him, i got abandoned by my friends because of him, kena slap twice by my dad because of him n i almost lose my mom because of him.
It wasn’t easy, i swear. 我从小都是一个人，parents v v strict towards me,
everywhere also don’t allow me to go, phone always got confiscated n only my sister can use.
Last time my mom got sligh depression, she will use the showering head and hit my head, use my head to bang the wall while bathing me.
i’m not trying to say i v kelian la. Things changes after we move over to this current house i’m staying.
ya then i broke up w jiajun, it took me 1 year + to fully get over him. Wasn’t easy. Feel times, i felt like dying so badly that i went up to the roof & wanting to jump down. i tried to slash myself thinking that it can lessen the pain i had in my heart. Why? he cheated on me, he lied to me, he go drink without telling me, he left me all alone at yishun, his house void deck from 2am to 7am just bc he went to drink n fight....
So much fears of having this rls n yet i want him. Oh, i’m stupid enough, i know ah!
Until i met panjang people, shits happen again lo!
i don’t need say u also know what happened la....
and yes, i met you!
Sorry that i’m being harsh on you at times bc i rly rly scared of getting cheat , lied to & secrets.
Like i cannot afford to have any heartbreaks anymore.
Until i met u, everyone arnd u told me you’re a nice guy, u can be the one that will be taking great care of me, and even up till now, people arnd me, arnd us, was shocked to know that we broke up.
And little did we know, we are actually their ideal couple. Hahaha, hen sweet hor? I’m not sweet coating or what!
Like shumei, shayne, tianqin, jean, etc la.
i read back all the convo that we had, i realise u actually wanted to start afresh. i realise that you rly is giving your best in everything you can for me n yet i’m always pulling u down.
but of course, i hope that u can understand where i’m coming from n why i’ll react this way.
i want this rls to last till old, i want commitment in this rls, i dw like past time de rls cos i rly do love you.
& to be honest with you,
Company got one guy, he likes me. but i push him away!
and yes, i want u and only u.
I didn’t tell u cos i didn’t want you to think much, i don’t want u to feel like you’re competing with another person after seiwei thing! i know what i’m doing n i know who i want in my life n my future.
n that person is non other than you
lim jun yang.
knowing that you hide things from me, lied to me makes me fucking xintong.... but i also can understand why u did that. i’m sorry that i failed to be a good girlf, to be there to support you and encourage u and motivate you when u need. but i tried.
rem that day tianqin meet me n go to esther house tgt, n after that aloy came over, n we went to chester to eat. the whole convo is about me n u. Like how to understand u more, how to make u feel love, how to lessen your stress. n i even talked to sheena and huimin. they told me to give you time told me to encourage you n not to pull u down. but again, i let my own feelings and emotion controlled everything.
at times i rly keep quiet, at times i rly let u do what u wanna do, even the yishun dam things after chomp chomp, despite desperately wanted to spend our own time tgt, i still agree to go & i see the happy face on you and the way you hug me and carry me up, i know i did the right thing.
seeing that you need to wait for your friends to have time, then can wash xiaomad, i went to buy car wash things for you.
All this, is for you n only you. i’m not a romantic person or someone that have creative mind, but i tried.
I even write down those car parts n trying to understand about your car cos i deep down jealous when you say aileng know about car things.........
but little did i know, loving you too much, ended up expecting too much from you n make you feels tired and heart died.
我爱你爱到你累了。this is my fault and i reallt wna apologise to you.
Despite knowing that u alrd knew that girl for more than 3 days, (i know) and you guys meet up more than 2 times, despite knowing that you alrd grow feelings for her, i still tell myself, i can accept it if he accept me back. Knowing that i’m not the only girl that siting on the front seat, holding your hands and admiring you when driving, i cried. knowing that the 2 cutie pillows that jason had gotten for us, stains her perfume smells, i cried even harder.
And despite knowing that, just now u went down to find her; (i know again, and just now means 12 aug 2am +)
my heart felt numb? No feelings already.
I guess both of us is tired. I hadn’t been eating for 3 days straight, vomitted those water n small pau i tried to eat for 3 days, sleeping as late as 4/5am, and waking up at 7-8am even before my alarm rings makes me so so so drained n tired.
I know 你也不好受。辛苦你了。
i understand why u said u no face to face me and you feel guilty when u see my face. the same feelings when i had when i w seiwei, i swear.
Despite knowing a lot of things, but i choose to keep quiet and swallow it down. Is my fault. 我错了。
This 2 years 9 months with you, was a very very happy one. And yes, that girl, i know who is she. Pioneer sec junior of mine & her name is vanessa yuen n not jessica.
In fact when i realise her name wasn’t jessica, i didn’t feel much things, just afraid that she lied to u about her name / she might hurt u.
I don’t want u to get hurt again........
Whatever it is, i guess both of us tried our very best in this 2 years.... As much as i want us to restart it over again, i know u will definitely push me away AGAIN.
Sooooo, i’ll slowly mend this heart and stand up again.
How i wish i’m the one that’s there for you when u r poor and is also there for you when you r rich....
Honestly, i nv nv nv once look down on you & nv nv once see u cannot, i swear to god. I thot by pushing u, u will work hard, but it back fire & make u tired.
the method that i used, is totally wrong, but the main reason is because i love you too much.
i saw u wanting to sell your car, and honestly deep down my heart i felt the sourish feelings.
i know u don’t feel good, and i know u doesn’t want to sell it away. i know.
But rem i said before, sell away this one, next time buy a bigger and nicer one?
I believe u can do it, it is the matter of time only. don’t give up & you will get there.
Jiayou yangie, oh god is so weird to call ur name!
HAHA.
Ok, bb i miss u n i love you.
Have a good sunday. ciaoz.
💜
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